I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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