Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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