i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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