So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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