I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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