fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
