So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
