someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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