Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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