Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
