If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
