Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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