I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
