youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
