I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
