On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
