You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
