what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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