My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
