I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
