In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
