Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
