i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
