I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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