When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
