Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
