I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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