i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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