...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
