I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
