He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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