I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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