Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
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