My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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