i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
now i know why i became what i already was.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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