i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
