I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just forgot I was standing up.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
