My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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