She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Say something about gay babies.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
