mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
