Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
