Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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