ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
it's like heaven, but drunker
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
