the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
