I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
