The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
