So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
