He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
