Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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