Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
